Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Can you bring me the toilet please
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
