My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
