Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
