Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
