There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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