Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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