Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
