I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
