Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
