I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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