im six kinds of drunk right now
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
