I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
