Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
