my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
