i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
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