Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
