Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
