I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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