my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
