Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
