my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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