I hope mine doesn't look like that
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
