there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
