Old men and throwing up are my life now.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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