woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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