When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
