a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
