i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
