his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
