does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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