I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
