I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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