I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i drank out of a bidet.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
