At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
bring money and cleavage
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
