Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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