i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
