How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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