pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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