I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
