dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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