your parents love me but you hate me
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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