i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
barbara walters just said penis...
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
