She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
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