you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
