i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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