I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
