thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
