I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
