you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
