just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
